Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
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The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Breaking news:
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.