When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
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I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother