I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
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One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]