I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
You Might Also Like
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead