If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
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“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
You are not alone 💚
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine