Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
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[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]