Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
You Might Also Like
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
This made me chuckle.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.