Thursday Thought.
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Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Fights fire with marshmallows
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Stop it! 😂
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working