I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
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Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.