A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
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friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”