My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
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[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
🌱🌱🌱
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole