Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
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The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri