[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
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if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
My time has come.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.