HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
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Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
🤣
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.