Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
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Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.