9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
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Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.