[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
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I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!