Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
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Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.