My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”