*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
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Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Confused owl: What?!
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.