date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
He a real one for that
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there