After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
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“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
United Steaks of America
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.