Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
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When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.