me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
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pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Me too, bag. Me too….
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
worst…sale…ever
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs