I didn’t come here to be called names
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due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
A game married people play.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.