FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
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Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers