wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
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How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes