Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
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My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.