“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
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Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.