me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
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Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means