Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
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Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
no!! no!!!!!!
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.