me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
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demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
FRED: right
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.