I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
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Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Best mom ever 😂
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
May have had one breakfast too many
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”