[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
You Might Also Like
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I found your tweet-up…
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
we’re dead?
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.