have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
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Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.