*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
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What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
You sure about that?
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I’m already scared
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Yeah. This was me today.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.