make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
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Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u