When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
You Might Also Like
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?