[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
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My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.