Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
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Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.