I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
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My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.