The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
You Might Also Like
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok