Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
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This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
That’s amazing.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
reviewed some movies recently
The answer is funnier than the question
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical