SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
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“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Beauty and the Beast
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.