I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
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NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?