If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.