me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
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I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.