Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.