Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
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kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”