*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
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What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Shower sex be like: